Le sigh. I currently have no passport, Adam has no passport, and I spent over £7 on copies (and £991 in application fees) this weekend to send in my visa application so as to stay legal and not get deported. Given that this entire process will cost us around £1200, it's a wonder than I bothered. It's also not the best way to crack down on illegal immigration (which is not as prevalent ANYWHERE as people seem to think, and certainly isn't the economic problem people want it to be).
But that's not what this post is about. This post is about the entire "Life in the UK" process, or what I like to call a gigantic financial, mental, and temporal cesspool. Yeah, that's right. It took my money, my brainpower, and my time, and stuck them all in a pile of shit.
First, the fact that I--or really anyone--needs to take the test is insulting, as the study book (more on that in a moment) claims that England is proud of its multiculturalism (protip: it's not). But ignoring that, I can live with the idea of the test. You want to live somewhere, you should have a token grasp of how that place works. Sadly, that's not what the test is about. Let me quote for you:
This handbook contains all the answers to the questions that may be asked in the Life in the UK test. The questions will all be based on chapters 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 of the handbook. You do not have to study the other chapters in order to be able to pass the test, but we hope and believe that they will be of interest and practical value to many readers and they will certainly help your understanding of the chapters you will be tested on.
Next, let me list the Table of Contents for you (with selected sub-sections):
CHAPTER 1: THE MAKING OF THE UNITED KINGDOM
(sub-sections omitted)
pages 7-25
CHAPTER 2: A CHANGING SOCIETY
Migration to Britain; The changing role of women; Children, family and young people
pages 27-33
CHAPTER 3: UK TODAY: A PROFILE
Population; The nations and regions of the UK; Religion; Customs and traditions
pages 35-41
CHAPTER 4: HOW THE UNITED KINGDOM IS GOVERNED
The British Constitution; The UK in Europe and the World
pages 43-53
CHAPTER 5: EVERYDAY NEEDS
Housing; Services in and for the home; Money and credit; Health; Education; Leisure; Travel and transport
pages 55-73
CHAPTER 6: EMPLOYMENT
Looking for work; Equal rights and discrimination; At work; Working for yourself; Childcare and children at work
pages 75-85
CHAPTER 7: KNOWING THE LAW
(sub-sections omitted)
pages 87-99
CHAPTER 8: SOURCES OF HELP AND INFORMATION
(sub-sections omitted)
pages 101-105
CHAPTER 9: BUILDING BETTER COMMUNITIES
pages 107-113
GLOSSARY
Now, scroll on back up there and see what chapters they test on. Right, I'll just tell you. Chapters 2-6. Now look at the titles of chapters 1 and 7. Wait, what? They don't test on British history or, perhaps of more importance, British law? How can that be?! Oh wait. Because by the time you're taking this test, you've lived here close to a minimum of 2 years (likely with the right to work), so now's the time to tell people how to get a job and what the minimum wage is. Except the book was published in 2007 and the minimum wage goes up nearly every year. As does the population. And a variety of other things that change regularly as well. But by god, they'll test you on information that's half a decade out of date.
I find it galling that I had to read pages on how to get a job, how to send a child to school, how to buy a home, and so forth, but I wasn't required to know a damn thing about crime, my rights under the law (except as to how they apply to working), the court system, and whatever else is covered in the law section. No, I didn't read anything other than chapters 2-6. Funny enough, I had no problems with the test.
It's offensive. I really am not opposed to the idea of the test, but I am galled at the contents of the test. 24 questions, 18 required to pass (they don't tell you how many you got correct at the end). The only section that I found to be truly worthwhile was the government section, but that was filled with unnecessary numbers. Fair enough, needing to know that there are 646 parliamentary seats in the House of Commons, but unless you live in Wales, Scotland, or Northern Ireland, you don't need to know how many seats they all have for their respective ruling bodies. And why do I think that's not important? Because the book told me that most ethnic minorities (and thus immigrants, though that is not explicitly said) live in England, and most of those live in London. So who the fuck cares that the (suspended) Northern Ireland Assembly has 108 members? Especially since it's suspended!
Here's the worst part. My in-laws were afraid that I wouldn't pass. They took a test online and they didn't pass, therefore I wouldn't. The lack of faith is appalling. I had the book. I'm also really good at remembering useless crap, especially for short amounts of time, and good at taking tests (except for the GRE English, but we don't speak of that. EVER.)
Actually, that's not the worst part. The worst part is that there was a girl in there who was taking the test for the second time, since she failed the first time. She also failed the second time. Another lass failed as well, because--and I quote--"there were at least 10 questions on there that weren't on the practice tests." And I'm guessing a third guy failed, because he scheduled the test and then bought the book. Because our testing was so screwed up (massive computer and server failures meant they had to keep restarting/reloading) they were being lax at the test centre, and he kept going into the post-test waiting room to "get some water" to ask those of us who finished for answers. His problem? I wasn't helping him, and the two who were both failed. Ooops.
~~~~~
In somewhat related news, someone I care very deeply for (not my husband*) told me that the English, when they go other places, make an effort to learn and fit into that culture, particularly if they're moving there. This was in reference to Muslims or those of Asian extraction** I presume. But I disagree: a culture whose primary goal for centuries was to acquire as many countries as possible*** and enforce Britishness on them doesn't get the right to say that. Besides, Brits are roundly hated when they go to restaurants in the States because they "don't know" that they're supposed to tip.**** Bullshit. They know. They just pretend ignorance because they're cheap. Everybody knows that Americans are so cheap that they won't pay their waitstaff a livable wage so they depend on those tips to keep the lights on and food on the table.
*I do care very deeply for my husband, but he's not the person who said this.
**In this case, Asian means Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi, etc. This is England, not the west coast of the States, where I take Asian to mean Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, etc (sorry to everyone I lumped into "etc.," but I can't see my map from here and that was the one part of the world where we didn't study geography in middle school).
***Do you have a flag?
****They're also hated in France, but that's a long standing feud and the feeling is mutual.
